What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
