my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
