i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
