last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
