I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
