I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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