why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it penis luge time yet?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
