I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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