you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
