I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't want my vagina anymore.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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