Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
