Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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