There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
