I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
