listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
