sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
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