What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
