so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
