Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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