Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize