i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
