My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
