This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
