I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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