i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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