No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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