Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize