There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
