Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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