how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
