I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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