there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
