I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize