He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
