Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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