Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize