i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The air taste purple.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize