When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
