Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had to cum in my sink.
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