PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
