Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
