I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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