At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
