I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
