What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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