Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize