btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
