plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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