I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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