Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
