happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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