fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
