I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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