Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I need to stop coming to work sober
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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