Soap is not a condiment
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
