my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
