Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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