I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
