cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
