Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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