Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
