I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
