I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
