I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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