btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
