Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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