You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Randomize
