I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He felt like a one man threesome
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
