But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
