If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
