i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
