he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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